This Shoveletter was taken from a longer response to a Q&A

What exactly is this devotion or dedication you speak of that has been fading from your life? And what does it mean to "spend time" with him? Now, if you believe that your relationship to Christ is based upon your scheduled meetings in the morning, then to let that schedule go is to let your relationship go. But is this true ... or is this merely your learned perception of what is true?

Now, you don't specifically say it here, but I have to wonder if you are slowly realizing that your former dedication was all about your efforts to keep it going.

You say:

Why do I see less "good" in me now that I'm learning to live under grace then I did before

But I have to ask what you base your judgments upon? Was the sense of keep your relationship going by scheduling time with God the good you now use to compare against the lack you now sense? Was your scheduled time really all what you now remember it to be? Or it is possible that much of your quality time with God was forced and empty ... or even boring? Perhaps you have a few fond memories from the bulk of mostly uneventful times that stand out as being representative of the whole. Hey, I was there, too. I remember.

It's like the lottery. If you don't play you can't win. Dedication is the key, for the more you play the more chances you will win something. If you're not consistent it's possible - and feels more probable - your numbers might win the day you don't play them. The very idea of no longer playing leaves one with a sense of loss, even though the total cost far surpasses any winnings. The feelings are similar, even though there is no real basis for them. But it's hard to shake the sense of losing something because of no longer doing the right thing.

Do you assume that God's working in you revolves around this concept of a relationship built upon scheduled time with Christ? Do you assume that if he doesn't at least give you the desire to keep it going that your "grace" relationship proves to be inferior? Is it possible that your concept of morning time with God might actually get in the way of you seeing that your relationship with him is not bound by time? And if so, could it be possible that the sooner you let it go the better?

Now I personally love morning time, and I often find it a wonderful time of day to reflect on life in Christ. But I am not bound by it. The irony behind my having let it go is that I have had far more times of awareness of Christ as being my life by NOT trying to make it happen. I have seen it when running to the beach to take photos of the sunrise, or watching movies, or examining the legal system of the world around me ... even though I did not stop to pray or read the Bible first. I still love reading the Bible - at times, that is - and have often found encouragement in the reading. From time to time I have caught myself wondering when the last time I prayed might have been, often only to realize that I had been speaking to him already. The only thing that really kills my taking everything to God is when I think I have to schedule it in order to make it happen. You know, scheduling things is probably not the source of the problem, rather it is more than likely our belief in the power of scheduling, as if scheduled life is true life. I think he is found both in the schedule and out of it.